So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
