my soul wont recognize me after tonight
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
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