Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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