I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
