I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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