I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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