So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize