The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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