She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
