I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
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