____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
now i know why i became what i already was.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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