Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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