So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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