four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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