He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
