I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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