fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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