Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
