You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
