I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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