I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
