I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
