Pappa wants mamma naked
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
