He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
