but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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