I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just puked most of my soul out..
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