just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You made out with two different species that night
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
