My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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