Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
