Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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