if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
