Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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