my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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