Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
