I am puke
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
