walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
