I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
