you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
