I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize