Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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