you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
