How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
