there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
