I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
