is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
