I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
