she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
In other news, I just burned my penis
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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