dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she peed on how many people?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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