She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
