6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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