And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
