The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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