you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize