this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
