I think I won the penis lottery.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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