guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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