HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
