Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
